10 Power Food Combos
by Divya Gugnani
link
Info
Divya Gugnani is the CEO and founder of BehindtheBurner.com, an emerging culinary media brand that creates expert-based content about food, wine, mixology, and nutrition.
Research shows certain foods suddenly become healthier when eaten in combination. From spinach and beets to red wine and apples, here are 10 pairings that boost each other’s benefits.
Why does orange juice taste so good with oatmeal? And what is it about olive oil that enhances the flavor of tomatoes? The answers to these questions, it turns out, are buried deep within our instincts. New evidence suggests that certain foods that taste great together also interact with one another in nutritionally positive ways. In other words, two particular foods consumed in combination can actually deliver more benefits than either one would on its own. Epidemiologist David R. Jacobs refers to this phenomenon as “food synergy.” He believes that it might explain why we are inherently crave certain foods together, as well as how they join forces to protect and nourish our bodies. Here are 10 food combos that maximize absorption of the good elements while keeping the bad ones out of your system.
1. Spinach & Beets
Popeye has been selling us on the power of spinach for 80 years, but he should skip the canned variety and, if he really wants to do himself some good, throw in some beets. According to dietitian Joanne Larsen, dark green, leafy vegetables like spinach and kale are best eaten in combination with another veggie high in Vitamin C like beets, because “iron absorption in your intestines is improved by Vitamin C.” Tomatoes and bell peppers are also great sources of the immuno-boosting vitamin, for those who don’t like having pink-stained hands. Try serving Roasted Beet Salad over a bed of baby spinach.
2. Tomatoes & Olive Oil
Greeks consume more of these two ingredients per capita than anyone else, and they have higher life expectancies than Americans. Tomatoes are rich in an antioxidant called lycopene, which has been proven to reduce the risk of cardiovascular disease and certain cancers. But lycopene is also fat-soluble, which means combining it with a healthy, monounsaturated fat like olive oil helps boost absorption even more. Technique: Sautéed tomatoes, olive oil, salt, and pepper make a great fresh pasta sauce; but you can also whip up a quick Caprese salad by adding some mozzarella and basil to sliced tomatoes drizzled with olive oil.
3. Beef & Carrots
When you’re in the mood for a hearty meal, try this mix that will boost your immune function. The Vitamin A in the carrots is best absorbed when bound to a protein. Plus, the beef delivers an extra dose of zinc, which protects against weakening of the immune system. Chef Gavin Kaysen’s Braised Short Ribs combine both to make a savory supper.
4. Green Tea & Lemon
Green tea is a true liquid miracle worker—it’s packed with antioxidants, revs up metabolism, and keeps you hydrated. When drunk with lemon, its benefits become turbocharged—your body absorbs 13 times as many more antioxidants than when consumed on its own.
5. Garlic & Fish
These two flavors were made for each other, and when combined, the cholesterol-reducing fish oils and heart-healthy garlic can act as an anti-inflammatory agent. Although the possibilities are endless, it’s hard to beat Chef Leah Cohen’s Pan-Seared Trout with Market Vegetables.
6. Red Meats & Rosemary
While red meats shouldn’t generally be seen as health foods, we’re all going to order the steak once in a while. But you can mitigate the damage in a way that only adds to the taste. The antioxidants rosmarinic acid and carnosic acid, both found in rosemary, can soak up and neutralize the meat’s free radicals, which are one of the key causes of signs of aging. Try the Italian favorite Ragu d’Ugnello for a meal that lets you indulge your carnivorous impulses without causing wrinkles.
7. Orange Juice & Oatmeal
This is the real breakfast of champions. The combination of these morning basics has actually been shown to prevent heart attacks and clean arteries twice as effectively as ingesting either one on its own. The organic compounds known as phenols (found in both) stabilize cholesterol levels when consumed together. Tip: Instant oatmeal is often processed with added sugars, salt, and colorings, so go for old-fashioned rolled oats. Homemade Oatmeal Peanut Butter Energizers will get you out of bed.
8. Apples & Red Wine
With all the recent studies proclaiming the health benefits of red wine, you might be tempted to swap your apple a day for a glass of Pinot—now you have an excuse to enjoy both. Apples contain an anti-inflammatory flavonoid called quercetin, while red wine contains the flavonoid catechin. Together, they work to prevent blood clots and improve cardiovascular functioning. Try 5-Star Sangria for a healthy bit of boozing.
9. Blueberries & Grapes
Both of these antioxidant-packed fruits are great for on-the-go snacking or for adding to yogurt. But it’s also been proven that fruits mixed together actually have a greater antioxidant response than one fruit eaten on its own. Trick: Buy blueberries and grapes when they’re in season, freeze them in a single layer on a baking sheet, then store them in bags for year-round use. Break out the blender and try them in this Blueberry Grape Smoothie.
10. Nuts & Seeds & Dried Fruit
Trail mix, anyone? Nutritionist Lauren Talbot says that nuts and seeds are high in protein and contain little water (as do dried fruits), and that eating these dense foods together makes for easier digestion. Toss together some Crunchy Trail Mix for a nutritious snack.
But every coin has a flip side. You should also know about the retroactive combinations that can cause health problems. Here are five common combos to avoid.
1. Coffee & Eggs
This deadly combination is found at every diner in America, and yet the potent polyphenols found in coffee actually reduce iron absorption from the eggs and decrease calcium in your bones. Tip: If you can’t get through the morning without a caffeine fix, try switching to chai tea, which contains caffeine but has spices that can improve circulation and mental clarity.
2. Milk & Anything
Since milk is a complete food, it requires digestion in its most concentrated form—by itself. Trick: If you’re craving a glass of milk, drink it with a spoonful of honey since the two can take on antimicrobial properties when consumed together.
3. Meat & Potatoes
Although this classic union makes for a hearty meal, starches are digested in the small intestine while proteins are digested in the stomach, so eating these together can result in digestive problems and a slowed metabolism. Technique: Instead of potatoes, try Creamy Mashed Cauliflower as a healthy alternative.
4. Fruit & Anything
Fruits are great sources of vitamins and antioxidants, but they also contain acids that cause them to ferment in the stomach and slow the digestion of other foods. Tip: Beans aren’t the only “magical” fruit—eat fruits by themselves on an empty stomach to avoid digestion problems and potential gas.
5. Non-Starchy Greens & Dairy
Creamed spinach makes for a filling side. Unfortunately, studies show that the chemicals in non-starchy veggies (spinach, kale, broccoli, etc.) can block the absorption of calcium from the dairy. Instead, try pairing them with lean proteins like fish or chicken. Technique: For a dairy-free fix that combines spinach and seafood, try Chef Dean Fearing’s Barbecued Blue Point Oysters.
Here's the Secret About Long Life: It Doesn't Come in a Pill
By Catherine Mayer Friday, October 22, 2010
Phil Ashley/Getty
Good news travels fast, but dubious news travels faster, especially if it heralds a possible nostrum to vanquish age. An article in the Oct. 21 issue of the British mass-market newspaper, the Daily Mail, suggested that DHEAS, a hormone believed to play a protective role against the biological changes associated with stress, "could be the elixir of life, scientists believe." That angle was swiftly picked up by other media and would appear destined to burnish sales pitches for DHEA and DHEAS supplementation, already on offer as part of some age-management programs.
Professor Sir Michael Marmot, an eminent British expert in epidemiology and public health, who was quoted in the article, uttered a faint "good heavens" on seeing his comments on the newly released findings framed in terms of life expectancy. "We did not link DHEAS to longevity. I only talk about what our research shows. I don't speculate wildly," he says. (More on Time.com: How Not to Get Sick)
What about the Mail's assertion that "research suggests that in future tablets, patches or injections could boost DHEA level"? That, says Marmot, is "100 percent the opposite" of the message he hoped to convey. "The journalist said, 'Would a pill do it?' and I said, 'I don't think that's the way we should be thinking about it.'"
Marmot's reservations about the idea of a pill — the "mechanical" approach ignores the possibility that DHEAS levels do not themselves impact health but are markers of health — are finally flicked at in the 12th paragraph of the 19-paragraph article. The real import of the findings, contained in the newly published report on the fourth wave of the English Longitudinal Study of Aging (ELSA), is that DHEAS levels appear directly linked to the social and economic position of the study's participants. "Everything we've looked at in [the study] suggests that all the different health measures follow the wealth gradient: the top quintile has the best health, the next quintile worse, the lower your wealth, the worse your health. Then we looked at DHEAS and we found the same gradient," explains Marmot. (More on Time.com: The Hispanic Mortality Paradox: Why Do Latinos Outlive Other Americans?)
The principal investigator of ELSA, he also chaired a review of health inequalities in England that was published in February. Despite the country's comparative affluence, its wealth and health divide is stark, and that indeed feeds differences in life expectancy. People in the poorest English neighborhoods die, on average, seven years before their counterparts in the richest neighborhoods; there's a gulf of 17 years in disability-free life expectancy. The correlation between DHEAS and wealth is potentially extremely significant because "without claiming that DHEAS by itself is the mediator, it does provide a potential handle on the biological pathways by which your social position might influence your health," says Marmot. He hopes the research will help inform efforts to reduce health inequalities. His prescription: good public health policies, not pills.
Hottest Colors in the World. Burn Your Face Off
By evad // 20 October, 2010
Warning! : The colors below may cause sweating, irritation to the eyes & mouth, the forming of sad, scared, awkward looking facial expressions, and the gratuitous exhibition of machismo. Be careful not to touch your eyes or your ...er...more sensitive areas after handling. Now, the hottest colors in the world.
Chili Peppers
The spicy heat of peppers is measured in Scoville Heat Units. This scale measures the amount of Capsaicin the chemical compound that stimulates chemoreceptor nerve endings in the skin, especially the mucous membranes. In other words it makes that stuff hot.
To give us an idea of the Scoville scale, Pure capsaicin (the active component in peppers) is a 15,000,000 - 16,000,000, you don't want to eat or even get near that. If your using pepper as a weapon or deterrent you'll want at least 5,000,000, which is what is used by law enforcement in pepper spray. On the other side of the scale we have bell peppers at 0 units and Tabasco red pepper sauce with a rating between 2,500 & 5,000 units.
We start of with the hottest peppers in the world and work our way down through some of those with less heat but still packed with hot colors.
Tambako the Jaguar
Naga Jolokia / Bhut Jolokia
Scoville: 855,000 - 1,075,000 This is the hottest chili in the world.
Mamboman1
Red Savina
Scoville: 350,000–580,000 The Red Savina pepper is a cultivar of the habanero chili (Capsicum chinense Jacquin), which has been selectively bred to produce hotter, heavier, and larger fruit.
Image From
Chocolate Habanero
Scoville: 200,000 - 385,000 One of hottest of the large-fruited habanero types, and the favorite pepper in the Caribbean to make barbecue sauces and marinades, with a unique rich flavor unduplicated by any other pepper. Can be dried and smoked like the Chipotle, to produce an exquisite flavored sauce.
Ian Kershaw
Scotch Bonnet
Scoville: 100,000 - 350,000 Scotch bonnet, also known as Meh Boabs Bonnet, Scotty Bons or Bonney peppers, (Latin: Capsicum chinense) is a variety of chili pepper that belongs to the same species as the habanero. A cultivar of the habanero, it is one of the hottest peppers in the world. Found mainly in the Caribbeanislands and also in Guyana and the Maldives Islands, it is named for its resemblance to a Tam o'shanter hat.
Orange Habanero
Scoville: 150,000 - 325,000 The habanero chili (Capsicum chinense) is one of the more intensely spicy species of chili peppers of the Capsicum genus.
Fatali
Scoville: 125,00 - 325,000 The Fatalii is a chili pepper of Capsicum chinense that originates in central and southern Africa. It is described to have a fruity, citrus flavor with a searing heat that is comparable to the standard habanero. The Scoville Food Institute lists the Fatalii as the sixth hottest pepper.
Peach Habanero
Scoville: 100,00 - 325,000 Wrinkled pepper, usually 1-2" long, 1" wide. Seeds are from the beautiful peach colored variety, bearing fruits similar to the orange type but with red-toned skin. The fruits also tend to be a bit larger in size.
Madame Jeanette
Scoville: 100,000 - 300,000 Madame Jeanette (Capsicum chinense) is a chili pepper originally from Suriname. The fruits are shaped like small bell peppers but with Habanero-like heat. The peppers ripen to reddish-yellow but they are larger and more symmetrical than Habaneros. When raw, the taste is of a hot burning, without any sweetness or fruitiness. It may be related to the Suriname Red (as this pepper is also known as 'Suriname Yellow').
beautifulcataya
Datlil
Scoville: 100,000 - 300,000 The Datil is an exceptionally hot pepper. Datils are similar in strength to habaneros but have a sweeter, fruitier flavor. Mature peppers are about 3.5 inches long and yellow-orange in color.
Thai Peppers / Bird's Eye Chili
Scoville: 50,000 - 100,000 The bird's eye chili is small but packs quite a lot of heat. At one time it was even listed as the hottest chili in the Guinness Book of World Records but other hotter varieties of chili have since been identified.
TauSo
Bolivian Rainbow Chili
Scoville: 50,000 This import from Bolivia makes a lovely landscape plant with its purple leaves and lovely 1/2in. fruits which begin purple, then yellow and finally red.
Cayenne Pepper
Scoville: 30,000 - 50,000 Cayenne is used in cooking spicy dishes, as a powder or in its whole form (such as in Sichuan cuisine) or in a thin, vinegar-based sauce.
Image From
Chinese 5 Color
Scoville: 5,000 - 30,000 Peppers are hot, grow upright, and turn from purple, to cream, to pale yellow, to orange, to red when mature. Plant has green stems with purple markings, green leaves with purple veins, and purple flowers.
Hot Lemon / Lemon Drop
Scoville: 5,000 - 30,000 The Lemon drop is a hot, citrus-flavored pepper which is a popular seasoning pepper in Peru, where it is known as Kellu Uchu. It is also known in the anglophone world as 'Hot lemon' or 'Lemon Drop'. The bright yellow, crinkled, cone-shaped fruits are about 2-1/2" long and 1/2" wide and mature from green to yellow.
green reflections
Red Mushroom Pepper
Scoville: 2,500 - 5,000 A very good chili in taste ... variety native to the Caribbean. A bit weaker than the variety 'Cayenne' Capsicum annuum from.
Poblano
Scoville: 500 - 2,500 The poblano is a mild chile pepper originating in the State of Puebla, Mexico. Dried it is called an ancho chile. While poblanos tend to have a mild flavor, occasionally and unpredictably a poblano can have significant heat. Different peppers from the same plant have been reported to vary substantially in heat intensity.
Peperoncini
Scoville: 100 - 500 Peperoncini (or pepperoncini) are a variety of the species Capsicum annuum, like bell peppers and chili peppers. They are also known asTuscan peppers, sweet Italian peppers and golden Greek peppers. While called peperonciniin American English, in Italy these particular kind of peppers are called friggitello (plural friggitelli) or more generally peperone(plural peperoni) like other sweet varieties of peppers, while the termpeperoncini (singular peperoncino) is used for hotter varieties of chili peppers.
Bell Pepper
Scoville: 0 Bell pepper or sweet pepper come in different colors, including red, yellow and orange. The fruit is also frequently consumed in its unripe form, when the fruit is still green. Bell peppers are sometimes grouped with less pungent pepper varieties as "sweet peppers". Peppers are native to Mexico, Central America and northern South America. Pepper seeds were later carried to Spain in 1493 and from there spread to other European, African and Asian countries.
Flames
The color and temperature of a flame are dependent on the type of fuel and amount of soot present in the combustion. A red flame is the coolest part, then as the temperature rises it changes to orange, yellow, and finally to white, being the hottest part. A blue flame will appear if the concentration of oxygen is high enough and creates enough energy to excite and ionize gas molecules in the flame. It can be seen near the base of candles where airborne soot is less concentrated.
Different flame types of a Bunsen burner depend on oxygen supply. On the left a rich fuel with no premixed oxygen produces a yellow sooty diffusion flame; on the right a lean fully oxygen premixed flame produces no soot and the flame color is produced by molecular radicals, especially CH and C2 band emission. The purple color is an artifact of the photographic process.
Flame color depends on several factors, the most important typically being blackbody radiation and spectral band emission, with both spectral line emission and spectral line absorption playing smaller roles. In the most common type of flame, hydrocarbon flames, the most important factor determining color is oxygen supply and the extent of fuel-oxygen "pre-mixture", which determines the rate of combustion and thus the temperature and reaction paths, thereby producing different color hues.
young_einstein
Yellow Flame
In a laboratory under normal gravity conditions and with a closed oxygen valve, a Bunsen burner burns with yellow flame (also called a safety flame) at around 1,000°C. This is due to incandescence of very fine soot particles that are produced in the flame.
MarcelGermain
Blue Flame
ith increasing oxygen supply, less blackbody-radiating soot is produced due to a more complete combustion and the reaction creates enough energy to excite and ionize gas molecules in the flame, leading to a blue appearance. The spectrum of a premixed (complete combustion) butane flame on the right shows that the blue color arises specifically due to emission of excited molecular radicals in the flame, which emit most of their light well below ~565 nanometers in the blue and green regions of the visible spectrum.
Flame temperatures of common items include a blow torch at 1,300°C, a candle at 1,400°C, or a much hotter oxyacetylene combustion at 3,000°C. Cyanogen produces an ever-hotter flame with a temperature of over 4525°C (8180°F) when it burns in oxygen.
nathij
Red & Orange Flames
Generally speaking, the coolest part of a diffusion (incomplete combustion) flame will be red, transitioning to orange, yellow, and white the temperature increases as evidenced by changes in the blackbody radiation spectrum. For a given flame's region, the closer to white on this scale, the hotter that section of the flame is. The transitions are often apparent in TV pictures of fires, in which the color emitted closest to the fuel is white, with an orange section above it, and reddish flames the highest of all. Beyond the red the temperature is too low to sustain combustion, and black soot escapes. A blue-colored flame only emerges when the amount of soot decreases and the blue emissions from excited molecular radicals become dominant, though the blue can often be seen near the base of candles where airborne soot is less concentrated.
Smelting
Smelting is a form of extractive metallurgy; its main use is to produce a metal from its ore. To do it you need some really high temperatures for the final step in the process, reduction.
Reduction is the final, high-temperature step in smelting. It is here that the oxide becomes the elemental metal. A reducing environment, (often provided by carbon monoxide in an air-starved furnace) pulls the final oxygen atoms from the raw metal. The required temperature varies over a very large range, both in absolute terms, and in terms of the melting point of the base metal.
Some of the higher temperature metals include Tungsten (3000 °C , 5432 °F) & Titanium (1795 °C, 3263 °F) where as iron melts at 1530°C (2786 °F).
Lava
When first erupted from a volcanic vent, lava is a liquid at temperatures from 700 °C to 1,200 °C (1,300 °F to 2,200 °F).
The Sun
I'm sure we all know the Sun quite well; its temperature: 5,505 °C (9941 °F) at the surface and ~15,699,727 °C (28,259, 541 °F) at the core.
Header Image by wstryder
Written by evad
www.colourlovers.comDavid Sommers has been loving color as COLOURlovers' blog editor-in-chief for the past two years. When he's not neck deep in a rainbow he's loving other things with The Post Family (http://thepostfamily.com/), a Chicago-based art blog, artist collective & gallery.
Welcome to Uncyclopedia
UnAdvisory:The Geneva Convention Biohazard Advisory Re Jewish Food
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Revision as of 17:07, September 7, 2010 by Sockpuppet of an unregistered user
UnAdvisory:The Geneva Convention Biohazard Advisory Re Jewish Food
left
Left - Jewish kosher cuisine. Right - absolutely, categorically, definitely not Jewish kosher cuisine.
Added by RabbiTechno
“Don't go into the kitchen, children! All of the dishes are for the guests, not for you shmendricks”
~ Jewish Mother's Axiom
Introduction
Article 153/3 of the Geneva Convention, dealing with the usage, proliferation and defense against Biohazard grade materials has been conducting ongoing research over the last 17 years to cover the wide issue of the so called "Jewish Cuisine".
This clinical research has been conducted according to the standard clinical trial-and-error methodology, including two test groups and a control group. Some of the experiments include:
Single exposure to a single ingredient of "Jewish Cuisine"
Long term exposure to a single ingredient of "Jewish Cuisine"
Short and long term exposures to mixed ingredients.
The effects researched included both physical and mental changes over a period of time. Within this document we shall try to convey concise recommendation and treatment options for each known item that is included under the "Jewish Cuisine".
Legend
Within this report you'll encounter various warning signs. In this section we will address some of them.
Long term affects are expected. Time will be running out in an accelerated pace for whoever indulges in this item.
Item typically served in extreme temperatures. Either extremely hot or extremely cold. Temperatures might vary between +950 degrees to -10 degrees (Kelvin).
Item must be accompanied with copious amounts of wine in order to drown the aftertaste.
Item might cause severe radiation burns, ridiculous suntan and/or real-estate value drop.
Long term storage is not recommended. Otherwise, use meat cleavers.
Item considered an illegal substance under the Geneva Convention Biohazard weapons grade proliferation chapter.
This item will give you gas. And loads of it.
This item will cause you all sort of nasty side effects.
Irreversible brain death is expected.
Side effects might include irrational violent outbursts.
This shit is just wrong.
Add a photo to this galleryAdd a photo to this gallery
Overview and general recommendation
In general, Jewish cuisine is very much what one might expect from any sweet-toothed, stodge-loving ethno-religious group many members of which spent roughly half of their history in a part of the world where food is characterised by extreme flavour and the other half in one where food is characterised by consisting mostly of fat. Early Jewish life in the Middle East and later history in Northern Europe allowed the Jews to select all the least healthy dishes from both and combine them into a distinct style of their own, creating what is perhaps the most unhealthy style of cooking ever devised.
It is the firm belief of the review panel that Jewish cooking based on the above is to be classified as follows:
Inclusiveness of recognized essential nutrients: 5/5 recognized groups + 2 unrecognized groups (see P'tcha).
Long term accumulating cellular level damage: 4/5 (concentrated mainly in the mouth, liver, lungs and every possible orifice).
Environmental Damage: 5/5 (based or residual gas quota (and overall implication over the "Greenhouse Effect") and expected defecation.
Overall risk assessment - 5/5 EXTREMELY HIGH
Type 1: Grade A Biohazard material - "Appealing" Jewish Food
Article 252/z/3:Chollah (חלה)
These fairly obscene phallic objects represent the best of the Jewish Sabbath table. Goes to show how much of a mench the head of the family is.
Added by Mordillo
Risk classification: negligible
Short term affects: N/A
Long term affects: addiction
Normally consumed: during the Sabbath meal and holiday feasts.
Food group classification: Bread & Pastries
History:
According to legend, the Hebrews were at one time without a legitimate king. An oracle predicted that the next man to enter Jerusalem driving an ox cart would become the ruler - which, it turned out, was a penniless man named Gordianstein who was immediately declared king by the rabbis (rabbis worked far more quickly in those times - nowadays, before getting anything done, they prefer to spend a minimum of at least several months discussing it first). So poverty-stricken was Gordianstein that he had not eaten during his long journey to Jerusalem and so very soon after his coronation when he became aware of the fabulous wealth now at his disposal he decided to bake a loaf of bread. For reasons unknown he took three strands of dough and tied them into an intricate knot. A passing wise man observed this and claimed that the knot was so ingeniously tied that nobody would ever be able to unravel them - wishing to put this to the test, Gordianstein gathered together all of the most intelligent people to be found within his kingdom but, just as the wise man had said, not one of them could figure out how to untie the knot.
This proved to be a problem because now nobody could figure out how the bread was to be eaten - it was far too big to be placed into the mouth, chewed and swallowed whole; so it looked like the king would have to remain hungry while someone cooked something else for him. However, just as they had all given up trying to solve the problem a young man named Alexander entered the palace. He examined the knotted loaf for a few minutes but did not touch it, causing at least one of the older wise men present to make some comments on declining educational standards and how the youth of the day seemed unable to carry out even basic mental exercises without the aid of their fancy newfangled abacuses. Just as it seemed the knot had defeated him too Alexander pulled out his sword and cut the loaf neatly into several slices, allowing Gordianstein to spread them with honey and enjoy his slightly delayed snack.
The bread became known as chollah and to this day Jews around the world bake intricately knotted loaves to remind themselves of this period in their history. The term has also entered the English language as a metaphor for any seemingly-intractable problem that is eventually solved with a single, decisive and often spur of the moment action - "cutting the Gordianstein Chollah."
Risk classification summary: Approach with caution.
Article 254/z/3:Rugelach (רוגלך)
Rugelach - enough calories to kill you and your mother five times over.
Added by RabbiTechno
Risk classification: Elevated
Short term affects: Sugar rush
Long term affects: addiction, sugar poisoning, massive organ failure, obesity.
Normally consumed: during the Sabbath meal, holidays and times of general distress.
Food group classification: Bread & Pastries, lethal desserts.
History
Rugelach is a cake typically eaten at Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish new year which Jews around the world use as an excuse to eat types of food that cause you to gain a pound in weight with each mouthful (provided the Jew then atones for his/her gluttonous sins by swearing to join a gym, the added weight will be lost at Yom Kippur[1]). Made of a mixture of sugar, flour, sugar, nuts, sugar, cream cheese, sugar, some sort of sugary preserve such as apricot jam and sugar, each piece of rugelach has enough calories to kill you. Only Jews highly experienced in the consumption of dangerously sweet Jewish cakes can eat more than a few crumbs per day without ill effect.
Risk classification Summary: post mitigation plan is necessary.
↑ No Jew has ever kept the promise to join a gym post-Yom Kippur, leading God to say: "Oy vey! 5770 years those ganefs have been saying this, you'd have thought I'd have stopped falling for it already!"
Article 264/z/3 Hamantash (המן־טאַש), sometimes referred to as: The Ears of Haman (אוזני המן)
Risk classification: Snarling
Short term affects: Disappearance of Persian neighbors from the nearby borough.
Long term affects: Ahamadinijadism
Normally consumed: during Purim and election periods in Iran.
Food group classification: Man-made pastries. Literally.
Hammentash. Pastry. Riiiiggghhhhttt
Added by Mordillo
Contrary to common belief Jews are big fans of cannibalism, a practice often considered morally reprehensible in the non-Jewish world. Since the old blood-of-a-Christian-child-in-the-Passover-matzah "scam" was identified by vigilant Christian authorities (which caused a number of niggling problems for Jewish communities around the world) Jews have been satisfying their cannibalistic desires each Purim when they eat the ears of Persian people which they often flavour with poppy seeds.
While believed to be just a symbolic pastry, reminding the Jewish folk of the evils that were carried out by the Evil Persian Haman, historic documentation showS that sometimes after the fall of Sparta, the Jews have reverted to acts of sporadic revenge against innocent Persians. Gangs of vigilante Jews were documented grabbing Persians off the streets. The horribly mutilated bodies were later recovered ear-less.
Pastry you say? Poppy seeds you say? Sweet dessert you say? Human meat we parry. Earwax we declare. Don't let your guard down, Persians, we conclude.
Risk Classification Summary: Otitis to be expected.
Article 258/z/3 Kreplach (Yiddish:קרעפּלעך)
Top: Kreplach made by your mother. Bottom: Kreplach made by your mother-in-law.
Added by RabbiTechno
Risk classification: Variable
Short term affects: Variable - satisfaction to extreme state of dispair over the maker's opinion of you
Long term affects: See above
Normally consumed: In times of poverty
Food group classification: Noodly type things in soup
Small dumplings, often served in soup, very similar to Chinese won-ton dumplings only not usually made with pork/dogs etc. The amount and quality of meat found within each kreplach varies from at least an ounce of minced steak if your mama made them to a tiny, hard lump of gristle if your mother-in-law made them. Always prefer your mother's. Never admit to your mother-in-law that hers taste like a lump of gristle.
Risk classification summary: Investigate contents closely prior to consumption procedure.
Mandelbrodt
No aroma lets you know you're in a Jewish home quite like that of freshly-baked mandelbrodt. Few people realise we have a little-known medieval mathematician to thank for the invention of this popular delicacy.
Added by RabbiTechno
The humble almond has long been considered far more desirable than one might suspect, considering as how it's little more than the inside of a plum stone. However, its sweet, nutty flavour has long made it popular among those with a well-developed sweet tooth, such as most Jews. Indeed, it was so popular among the Jews of medieval Eastern Europe that the ruling classes placed a punitive tax upon anyone considered to look a bit Jewish that attempted to purchase them due to their belief that all Jews were rich and their need to raise funds for popular medieval activities such as war, burning witches and so on. This led to Jews soon finding themselves unable to bake the almond bread that they considered a delicacy.
One such Jew, a mathematician named Moishy Goldberg, decided to put his considerable genius to the task of developing a new way that the bread could be made using just one single almond. First, he ground the nut to powder, added a similar amount of flour and then he added his secret ingredient. From a small bottle, he mixed in a few drops of a formula he had devised himself: .
When baked, the bread began to rise, growing in size - yet, no matter how much the surface area increased, its perimeter never expanded beyond the original diminutive dimensions. Thus, Goldberg was able to bake a loaf of bread with infinite surface area and volume, using just one almond and a spoonful of flour. That one loaf proved to be enough to feed everyone in his shtetl; including "Big" Boykhvetig Brownstein, a noted circus trencherman.
Type 2: Controlled substances with export limitations to the Western Hemisphere
Some traditional Jewish dishes have names that make them sound exotic and tasty, but are actually boring. Examples include slishkes (potato dumplings that taste exactly the same as any other type of dumpling - ie; of nothing and dust), matzoh (basically no more than a giant cream cracker. The box they come in has more flavour), latkes (exactly the same as potato waffles) and tzimmes (chopped carrots - possibly the biggest rip-off of them all). It is believed that lazy Jewish mothers invented these names, designed to make the food sound interesting, in order to keep their "loving matriarch" image while allowing more time to be spent shopping, meeting friends, eating sufganiyot in coffee shops and drinking vodka (which is what my mother does all day).
Feinkochen (Codename unknown)
Sounds exotic, but is actually just an omelette with few terrorist applications other than localised and minor gas attack. However, Shmuely Rosten, a 38-year-old rabbi from Munich, found that the term led him into a very exotic situation during a visit to a London colleague in 1987. Walking through North London, he realised his stomach was rumbling and decided that a plate of feinkochen was the very thing he needed to tide him over until his evening meal. Not knowing the English term, he asked a passer-by in the street where he might be able to sample some English feinkocken. The passer-by informed the rabbi that he knew a place where very feinkochen indeed could be had, and led him down a shadowy dead-end street. It was not until they reached the end of the street, away from the attentions of passing police officers, that Rabbi Rosten discovered the passer-by was a male prostitute and realised events were about to take a distinctly non-kosher turn.
Article 292/z/3 Latkes (Hebrew:לביבה)
This seabird, a victim of the 1992 Bering Straits Latke Disaster, was rescued and nursed back to health by ornithologists.
Added by RabbiTechno
Latkes are pancakes made from grated potato fried in oil, traditionally eaten during Hanukkah. Although superficially similar to a potato waffle, the production of one latke requires more oil than is necessary to complete a thousand-mile journey in a Hummer, most of which is soaked up into the food during the frying process. According to historians, when the Maccabees ignited a latke in the Temple after their defeat of the Seleucid Empire in ancient times, its oil content was so high that it miraculously burned for eight days and nights. A latke dropped overboard from the Israeli gefilte fishing trawler "Yentl Rosenberg" in 1992 caused an oil slick covering some 600 square miles of the Bering Straits and resulted in the deaths of several million seabirds.
Type 3: Controlled proliferated substance - "Less than appealing" Jewish Food
Article 199/z/3 Shmaltz Herring (Hebrew: דג מגעיל Yiddish: עקלדיק פֿיש)
Manage to eat a bowlful of gefilte fish without any ill effects? Had an argument with your stomach and want to teach it a lesson? Attack it with a jar of shmaltz herring to let it know you really mean business.
It remains unexplained how Jewish cuisine - which has given the world such culinary delights as chollah, rugelach and (some) kreplach - can also have been responsible for shmaltz herring which, in a 2004 poll to find the world's most disgusting food, achieved a 99% share of the vote[1]. To make your own shmaltz herring at home, simply fillet a very fat herring and then place into a jar containing a mixture of brown sugar and chicken fat. Leave in the jar for six months, then throw into the trash and find something fit for human consumption instead. Either that or pickle your herring instead and use it make forshmak salad, which has one serious advantage over shmaltz herring - you can eat it without feeling nauseous for a month afterward.
The term shmaltz, technically meaning chicken fat, is used in Yiddish and English to indicate excessive sentimentality. However, when applied to herring, it indicates excessive disgustingness.
↑ 100 people polled. The 1% that did not vote for shmaltz herring reported that he had, on one occasion, been forced to eat feces by bullies while at school, and decided that was even worse - however, he admitted to doing so only after the considering the issue for some hours.
Article 286/z/3 Shakshuka (Hebrew:שקשוקה)
Shakshuka: Israeli hangover remedy (not hangover product, despite appearance).
Added by RabbiTechno
A popular dish in Israel comprising of chopped tomatoes, paprika, tomato puree, oil, eggs and anything else you happen to find in the cupboard, shakshuka is widely rumoured to be a highly-effective cure for hangovers in much the same way that walnuts were once used to treat headaches due to their resemblance to the human brain and liverwort to treat liver conditions due to its visual similarity to that organ (a similarity noted only by those who have never seen a liver. The plant has leaves and is green, for a start. Human livers do not have leaves and are not green - not even George Best's) - an archaic branch of medicine known as "association" which states that any plant resembling a part of the human body will successfully treat any disorder of the body part it resembles.
Since hangovers, resulting from over-consumption of alcohol, affect not one but a multitude of body parts and there is no plant that bears any visual similarity to all of them, medieval Jewish doctors strove to come up with an effective remedy. Eventually, they hit upon the revolutionary idea of formulating an edible substance that, instead, resembled one of the most obvious symptoms and products of a hangover - vomit.
Type 4: Lethal substances banned for usage in 143 states and territories
Article 153/m56/p6 Kenidalach (Yiddish:קניידלעך)
The world's largest kenidalach, weighing 267lb (121kg), was created by a New York delicatessen in 2009. Scientists estimate that consuming it would cause constipation lasting for several million years, which has inspired pharmaceutical companies to begin experiments investigating matzah as a possible antidote to cholent.
Added by RabbiTechno
“Ah, kenidalach - to eat it or to avoid it? Often the subject of long internal debate, I find.”
~ Rabbi Topol, Hebron Institute for Intestinal Studies
Risk Classification: Serious and prolonged, in worst cases permanent
Short-Term Effects: Third-degree burns to mouth and face
Long-Term Effects: Extreme pain, chewed woodwork, dire shortage of available lavatories
Normally Consumed: Surprisingly often, considering the above
Food Group Classification: Reinforced cement cast in large and awkward shapes combined with thermosetting adhesive
While being "only" balls of Matzoh flour, military historians believe
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment